Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I wanted to take part in a marathon. I was going to decline but then she told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

* Hello, am I speaking with mister Smith? - Yes, how can I help you? * Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling. - Oh, hi. * Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! - Really? Wow! That’s- * Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet.

I am never included in anything either.